non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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