I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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