someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Let's get the cat blown out
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
soo... how was my night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
