never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
