You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
he puts the penis in happiness.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You took a bar mat shot.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
