On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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