You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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