so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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