1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm getting married
To pizza
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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