using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
