You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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