These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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