You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
