I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
