i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize