Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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