i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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