He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
