Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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