sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
