When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize