he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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