DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
