i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
