Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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