i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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