haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
