This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
