I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
