turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
