There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize