if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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