did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
