Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize