Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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