that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
