I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
