I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
