My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
