WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Sorry about my life...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
