I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
