i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you would pick up someone in the library
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
