I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Randomize
