I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
