Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
pray to the hookup gods
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
