the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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