What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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