My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
