I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
