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• (630): View more from Illinois

  So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.

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• (415): View more from California

  I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

  (512): View more from Texas

  Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

  (415): View more from California

  Watch for tornadoes.

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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• (509): View more from Washington

  i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron

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• (801): View more from Utah

  Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.

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• (561): View more from Florida

  Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.

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• (423): View more from Tennessee

  I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.

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• (207): View more from Maine

  You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?

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• (770): View more from Georgia

  He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.

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• (858): View more from California

  He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad

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• (256): View more from Alabama

  There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.

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