what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
