it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize