She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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