I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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