walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
