I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
