I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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