Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
