How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
